This could be a deadly combination πŸ˜†

Currently, I am reading two books, binging two TV series and working on two or three art ideas (fortunately all in the same project πŸ˜…).

One of the books I am reading is Β« An unquiet mind Β» by Kay Redfield Jamison and like most times when you read about a disease you start having simtomes πŸ˜†. So, halfway though the book, I concluded I’ve been mildly manic for the past year. It’s been productive though. I am loving the quiet that I’m having now thought and even if I may be sad sometimes, I am definitely not depressed. Hew… πŸ˜„ The book is not a must read and definitely not a good choice if you are impressionable, but if you struggle with staying on medication for any kind of illness then I strongly recommend it.

One of the TV series I look at is “Murdoch mysteries”. It is quite interesting and though it often happens, it didn’t bore me after 10 seasons – now I’m at 12. The only other shows to achieve this are “Criminal minds” and “NCIS”. There’s a pattern there. πŸ˜πŸ‘

If you wonder how I have time to see all this, it’s because I “watch” them while I work on the textile objects. So, for the ones amazed at my patience, I actually don’t have any, I just distract myself.

Anyway, in one of the episodes I saw last night, Murdoch’s wife lost a pregnancy that was unlikely to begin with and for which she made huge efforts to even try. He got upset with her. πŸ™„ They made up in the next episode. I was sure they would since this was season 11 and they are still together in season 13. πŸ˜… Even so, it touched me a bit more than usually.

I woke up twice this week crying. I couldn’t make sense of it on the spot as I didn’t realize it’s that time of the month, so this might happen. 🀷 Whenever I get too emotional the first thing I do is check the calendar. If hormones turn out to be the issue… Hew, no introspection needed. The feelings just go away even if they had an object. In the later case, the object just gets substitute by hormones. I do not feel this due to/towards X, but due to hormones and all the other bad feeling in my body that the hormone disbalance causes. End of story.

I have also been feeling bad physically due to inactivity because I do not bike and my trainer is out of the country so I don’t go to the gym either. It isn’t really winter weather. I could bike. But then I wouldn’t read as much. πŸ˜… So, I am trading my physical well being to read books that could contribute to mental instability. Seems sane. πŸ€·πŸ˜‚

The same inactivity + the position while I am making my textile objects contributed to by chronic back pain being worst than ever. I usually ignore it. Sometimes it bothers me but it goes away if a behave (mind my movements, do sport, bike) and occasionally I have to take a pain pill. This was one of those times. The pain was so bad last Saturday that I felt like throwing up when I would try to move (that never happened before), and the pain felt too much in any position. I got up with the thought in mind that walking usually helps even if it feels really hard in the begining (practicing slow walking did help). That’s when the room started spinning so I focused to feel my feet firmly on the ground and waited. Couldn’t have been more that a minute or two. Plenty time to panic, especially since I could hit my head on several things while falling. I didn’t panic though because I was too focused on feeling my feet on the ground that I really couldn’t think of anything else because all that pain just took over the rest of my brain. Once I got used to the pain though, it didn’t take so much of me and the room stopped spinning. The win of not falling sparked a major dopamine release in my brain because I haven’t felt so good in quite some time. I wonder if this is what people engaging in BDSM feel. I always say that I’m not into this because I do not like physical pain, but I actually don’t need anymore pain. My body has that taken care of. πŸ‘

So, in a period like this, the brain inevitably goes to bad memories, insecurities and self doubt. The bastard! Of course, the brain it’s you. Even so, I like to treat it as a separate entity. My brain is also my best friend*. He might remind me of my weaknesses but that is good, because I’ve been on a high for too long and I might forget that I’m only human. Well, the back pain was actually all the reminder I needed of that. πŸ’

Therefore, there is no wonder that last night everything seemed to be closing down on me and feel hopeless. Thank the Art God(ess) for the inspiration I’ve been getting lately.

This is my main reason for making art: it helps me rebalance myself. I will always want to create my ideas and no matter what happens, I will work on them. Doing something helps the bad feelings go away. Which they do, with all the physical pain.

Yesterday was, in fact, a wonderful day. Only the night was bad. And there is a reason for that. I received a message I didn’t like. It’s one of those moments when imagining the worst scenario helps. It usually proves not to be that bad even if it turns out bad. There is a downside to this because you can turn the bad scenario in a self fulfilling prophecy. So, for every bad scenario I imagine a good one too. Or imagine what I could do in the bad scenario to make it good. Usually, reality has nothing to do with what I imagine anyway, but I like the exercise, especially if I can’t seem to get that issue out of my head, like it happened with this particular situation.

I have an entire playlist for moments like this called “keeping it together”. However, this song is the one which quiets and calms my mind best.

*a friend told me that I must spend a lot of time in my head. Well, I get the best company there. πŸ’–

PS: I still find mental illnesses diagnoses to be random and subjective. Sometimes, I find body illnesses diagnoses to be this way too when the physician does not investigate enough, which might happen more than not.