I thought a new job is going to cure me of my obsessions because as any new thing, especially when you need it and have to do it though you could do without, it tends to take over the focus until you get the hang of it.
However, I am so confident right now and the job is esentialy so easy that I just …got the hang of it already, in theory. I know it’s a process, only that it is a very slow one until I will actually get to do anything, and I kinda lost interest three days in, so I started writing the statement for “Heavy heart” and now I am doing the documentation…
I thought the first step of the project is going to be just something I do for practical reasons, something people could understand easily and connect to.
Haha! Who am I kidding?!
Well …it is still true. The hearts light in a way that reflects a feeling and they can choose the light and, essentially, the feeling…
Here it gets more complicated from a conceptual point of view and I will do my best to explain it after I re-read a book that has marked me about almost three years ago (How emotions are made – Lisa Feldman Barrett) and some other books (including from opposite points of view) to better understand this point of view that I am obviously biased towards, already.
Anyway, I am writing this post just to pat myself on the back because I thought that, in the rush of this year, I have forgotten what I learnt from the book mentioned above and to record the instances that prove I didn’t.
One such moment was when I had a bike accident and I hit my chest against the handlebars pretty hard. I had no bruise, but for a week it was hard to breathe and for another week I felt a pressure on my chest. Well, right around that time I had mixed feelings towards a person that I was seeing. I could have loved her if she gave me the chance, but she doesn’t really care who you are or have any respect for the other person in the relationship. The fact that she is emotionally manipulative doesn’t help (the funny thing is my dove is the same way, only without the intelectual brilliance of this person, which makes it easier to project something onto her, I guess). Anyway, I thought at the time that I really fell in love because I would feel this pressure from time to time and as she made herself omnipresent in my life during that period, I was most likely thinking about or talking to her. However, I realized where the pressure came from and that it wasn’t love, but I could have easily rationalized it as such.
Nonetheless, I am still enslaved by the classical view of feelings and even if I know better, I still spent the passed two months wondering how I fell in love with my dove and why, but the answers were in me all along: I created the feeling myself because she inspired me and because I need this inspiration and it did me good by enabling me to get ideas for the project and focus on something concrete to be able to advance. (Il faut avancer les choses being one of the things that got stuck in my head from last summer and explains why my lack of patience with the new job is so great, but I decided to embrace the quite, today and just… Do my stuff and get paid for it by them …sounds ideal, too bad it will end soon 😋)
You might wonder if it is fair towards that person that I created this feeling of love. What if she loves me back? What if*? My feeling is real …too real, unfortunately… I’ll put it in my project though**, which got much more interesting because of the documentation process. 😅😁
*Her feeling of love towards me would be created by her too, so #fuckher #wishfullthinking
**Haha, it will really be made with love 💁♀️💖